loneliness

do you ever have nothing to say when you want to say something worth saying?
Is it loneliness? where does it come from?
when you've spent the day and night with dear people. living that whole reality of standing in a room full of people, and yet feeling completely alone...sucks! weary of it
I haven't written in here since Israel. Before I feel I was doing it for others, now I feel a need to do it for myself. even if no one ever reads...
I came back here to help my sister into the transition of becoming a mother. I don't see that I've helped her in any significant way. I don't know what to do. I've helped with a lot of practicals. I love every moment I spend with her, and Joseph my little brother. They are such a natural joy to my heart and soul, it's mind blowing to me at times.
Not this last rain session but the one before, Joseph and I went on a hunt for some good puddle jumping! and OH how we found it, and soooo very much more! We started in some large puddles that looked more like little ponds, with ducks swimming around in them. Then we found massive mud puddles as well! We started with just racing each other through the mud, but everytime Joseph realized he was loosing he would tackle me at the waist, and down we'd go! pure glory! my favorite moment was when he ran up on one of this two little hills near the mud. When he got to the top he yelled "I'm the King of the hill" with arms stretched high up in the sky. So then I ran up to the top of the other hill and yelled "I'm the Queen of the mountain!" The next thing I knew Joseph tackles me from behind and down we go, tumbling together down this steep little hill into the mud! amazing! such a good tackle!
Then JJ challenges me to one last run, and says that the looser has to face dive into the mud pool. He lost. Out of love I offered to do it too, after him. It was AMAZING to watch him disappear under a wave of mud, and then see his whole face covered in a thick layer of it! I was on the floor laughing sooo hard as he tries to spit out what slipped into his mouth! Needless to say I regretted offering to go after him! It felt a little crazy to be having a mud fight, and to be wrestling around in mud with my little brother, but the laughter and feeling incredibly alive is what kept me going without looking back! I absolutely adore these times with my little siblings. When they are with me, and I know they are ok, when they look, feel and seem present, happy and alive to some degree... We also had one of the best family nights that I can remember a few weeks ago. We just played uno, laughed and kissed each other a lot, because we made up a rule that when you put down the same card number, and color you have to kiss each other. We also watched the movie Joseph! Something Joan and JJ wanted to watch, over renting G.I. Joe! amazing! then we even got to talk about the bible and Abba more after! those times mean the world to me! completely!
I don't really know what else to write but that I am experiencing a lot of loneliness tonight. Thinking about things I try not to think about. Disappointments that randomly come up and eat at me. I am weary of myself, and emptiness. Night time sometimes brings out funny things.
and now it is time for bed!
goodnight world. goodnight Abba