sometimes

sometimes, for rare brief moments, I feel a little less alone in the world.

sometimes, I have this explosive love and energy, and few I can genuinely share it with.

My little brother just met with his probational officer. He's not allowed to miss another single day of school. He doesn't know that he has it all backwards. That the rebellion and disrespect of his generation to their authority figures and elders is completely setting them up for failure.I tried to tell him. I think he heard me a little bit but he was rather overwhelmed already. He's such a good kid deep down in there, he just doesn't know how to show people. There is no one in his life to teach him. So he shows this punk side of himself, that is really just there to hide all his insecurities and fears. When I was talking to him about the way he sounded and probably represented himself to the officer he tried to defend himself "I said mam, I was respectful" my response, "Yeah Joseph but what did your body language and tone of voice say?" which is when he admitted,"A big Fuck You!!!" "exactly." was all I needed to say. We laughed a little. Then when I said the words, "that is not who you are. I know that, but they don't know that about you. They only know what you show them" I felt him soften. I felt reminding him who he is and who isn't was really important. Like I was speaking straight to the core of him.
I tried checking in on him to see how he was feeling, he reveals so very little. All he said was that he was frustrated. We said goodbye because of phone minutes but then I texted a bunch more stuff to him. He told me my big words and longs speeches often confuse and overwhelm him, that he already felt overwhelmed enough and cant read them. I felt terrible. So then I just tried to draw as near to him in my heart that I could. I know it sounds weird, but I pictured what it would look like if I were with him, and described it to him. I told him I just wanted to hold him. He expressed wanting to hold me too. We are strangely close to most people, all my siblings and I are this way. I think it is because our parents were always doing their own thing, so we learned to really lean on each other.
That boy melts me! I pictured one arm around his back and waist. The other caressing the side of his face and cheek. Kissing his forehead both normally as well as silently. The silent ones go deeper between us. Sometimes it is too much. Then I began to tell him how we'd go blow some shit up, or beat the shit out of a punching bag. Yes that was it, we'd just so happen to find a punching bag on the side of the road with a sign "free, take it" perfect supply for our deep need. We find a field and have a day at it till our knuckles were raw and bleeding. Joseph would be able to tell me everything that is hurting and frustrating him on this inside if he wanted to, or we would just do it silently, a silence of understanding.
His response was "wow haha"
When I asked him how we was feeling, he said he pictured it all, and was feeling a little better, and was now calming down in math class.
Made my day.
I have a love for him that is a life force of it's own within me. When I am able to express it, or show it, it feels significantly intense. I know I am a little too intense for my siblings, but I hope it is meaningful to them in some way. He seems more open to me then Joan these days. She shoved me out of her heart when I moved to Seattle.
For some reason I wanted to blog about this.
I will go do homework now.