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I haven't posted in years. Preparing for another missions trip. I will write more about that later. I need to change the title of this blog, but for now know that I am preparing to do a discipleship program with YWAM come January 5th. Things have been coming together beautifully! I look forward to sharing more soon!

today.

today, I am teaching a young girl in my math class how to appreciate dark chocolate. It is precious.

today, I notice while studying how the moisture from the ocean dampens my papers, and I smile. Pictures of the ocean come to mind, the sensation of movement, floating over waves comes to my body, the joy of riding them to shore.

today, I am learning about fallacies within writing; I am learning how to identify when a conclusion is based on insufficient evidence, doubtful cause, double meaning, or is based on superstitious beliefs, or is made in grammatical error, and much more. Some of these fallacies are called Non Sequitur, Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc, Red Herring, etc. Who comes up with these labels? It helps my understanding to write about these things that are difficult to bring into every day life.

today, I am at peace with the madness around me.

today, I have peace of mind; I am able to think one thought at a time, each one connected to the next. Rather then the jumbled mess I've known too well lately. You know those times when there are too many thoughts shooting in too many directions at one time, not one is connected to the next, or at least it feels that way.

today, I am living the truth: even when you cant afford the time to rest, you can't afford the time not to rest.

today, today is all I have.

Kayaking

It is addictive.
Invigorating.
Life changing.
It's profound to me what is in my backyard here in Quincy, CA. From back country skiing, snowboarding, incredible hikes, kayaking, rafting. I've discovered the opportunity of a dream life I wouldn't have known to look for.
I wish I could be happier here.
There are moments.
This weekend had some good ones. The first two days I didn't really understand the fear everyone was talking about. I seemed to be floating down rivers gracefully. It wasn't until the third day that fear struck, and it struck my nerves. I lost my roll and any real attempt at it, completely! I would immediately panic and fall into, "I don't know how to do this!" give it one half ass attempt and then pull my skirt. I felt unbearably tense and freaked out the whole day. I don't know if I was just tired; if the third day was just too much. But panic seemed to strike a cord within me, and I didn't know how to shake it.
The rivers here, the trees, the sun, the birds, paddling through the water with lively laughter, songs, jokes, smiles, conquering fears, failing, overcoming, cheering each other on when someone masters a new move, or a newbie gets his roll in the rapid! Exhaustion at the end of the day that is satisfying in a way few things are. Rapid after rapid! hooked, I am hooked, just need to figure out a way to make this a regular part of my life.
Or am I just to be grateful for these moments?
It's nice to discover strengths about myself. We shall see if this discovered passion becomes more a part of me.

Wood Stove

There is little else like sitting next to my wood stove on a bone chilling day, feeling waves of heat slowly relax every tense muscle I didn't know I was clenching.
I want to remember this.
That is why I write today.
To remember all those days as snow poured outside, how these fires warmed my insides. I hope to have a wood stove someday, as well as a cabin like this room I have known. Full memories and people I don't yet know.

sometimes

sometimes, for rare brief moments, I feel a little less alone in the world.

sometimes, I have this explosive love and energy, and few I can genuinely share it with.

My little brother just met with his probational officer. He's not allowed to miss another single day of school. He doesn't know that he has it all backwards. That the rebellion and disrespect of his generation to their authority figures and elders is completely setting them up for failure.I tried to tell him. I think he heard me a little bit but he was rather overwhelmed already. He's such a good kid deep down in there, he just doesn't know how to show people. There is no one in his life to teach him. So he shows this punk side of himself, that is really just there to hide all his insecurities and fears. When I was talking to him about the way he sounded and probably represented himself to the officer he tried to defend himself "I said mam, I was respectful" my response, "Yeah Joseph but what did your body language and tone of voice say?" which is when he admitted,"A big Fuck You!!!" "exactly." was all I needed to say. We laughed a little. Then when I said the words, "that is not who you are. I know that, but they don't know that about you. They only know what you show them" I felt him soften. I felt reminding him who he is and who isn't was really important. Like I was speaking straight to the core of him.
I tried checking in on him to see how he was feeling, he reveals so very little. All he said was that he was frustrated. We said goodbye because of phone minutes but then I texted a bunch more stuff to him. He told me my big words and longs speeches often confuse and overwhelm him, that he already felt overwhelmed enough and cant read them. I felt terrible. So then I just tried to draw as near to him in my heart that I could. I know it sounds weird, but I pictured what it would look like if I were with him, and described it to him. I told him I just wanted to hold him. He expressed wanting to hold me too. We are strangely close to most people, all my siblings and I are this way. I think it is because our parents were always doing their own thing, so we learned to really lean on each other.
That boy melts me! I pictured one arm around his back and waist. The other caressing the side of his face and cheek. Kissing his forehead both normally as well as silently. The silent ones go deeper between us. Sometimes it is too much. Then I began to tell him how we'd go blow some shit up, or beat the shit out of a punching bag. Yes that was it, we'd just so happen to find a punching bag on the side of the road with a sign "free, take it" perfect supply for our deep need. We find a field and have a day at it till our knuckles were raw and bleeding. Joseph would be able to tell me everything that is hurting and frustrating him on this inside if he wanted to, or we would just do it silently, a silence of understanding.
His response was "wow haha"
When I asked him how we was feeling, he said he pictured it all, and was feeling a little better, and was now calming down in math class.
Made my day.
I have a love for him that is a life force of it's own within me. When I am able to express it, or show it, it feels significantly intense. I know I am a little too intense for my siblings, but I hope it is meaningful to them in some way. He seems more open to me then Joan these days. She shoved me out of her heart when I moved to Seattle.
For some reason I wanted to blog about this.
I will go do homework now.

loneliness

do you ever have nothing to say when you want to say something worth saying?
Is it loneliness? where does it come from?
when you've spent the day and night with dear people. living that whole reality of standing in a room full of people, and yet feeling completely alone...sucks! weary of it
I haven't written in here since Israel. Before I feel I was doing it for others, now I feel a need to do it for myself. even if no one ever reads...
I came back here to help my sister into the transition of becoming a mother. I don't see that I've helped her in any significant way. I don't know what to do. I've helped with a lot of practicals. I love every moment I spend with her, and Joseph my little brother. They are such a natural joy to my heart and soul, it's mind blowing to me at times.
Not this last rain session but the one before, Joseph and I went on a hunt for some good puddle jumping! and OH how we found it, and soooo very much more! We started in some large puddles that looked more like little ponds, with ducks swimming around in them. Then we found massive mud puddles as well! We started with just racing each other through the mud, but everytime Joseph realized he was loosing he would tackle me at the waist, and down we'd go! pure glory! my favorite moment was when he ran up on one of this two little hills near the mud. When he got to the top he yelled "I'm the King of the hill" with arms stretched high up in the sky. So then I ran up to the top of the other hill and yelled "I'm the Queen of the mountain!" The next thing I knew Joseph tackles me from behind and down we go, tumbling together down this steep little hill into the mud! amazing! such a good tackle!
Then JJ challenges me to one last run, and says that the looser has to face dive into the mud pool. He lost. Out of love I offered to do it too, after him. It was AMAZING to watch him disappear under a wave of mud, and then see his whole face covered in a thick layer of it! I was on the floor laughing sooo hard as he tries to spit out what slipped into his mouth! Needless to say I regretted offering to go after him! It felt a little crazy to be having a mud fight, and to be wrestling around in mud with my little brother, but the laughter and feeling incredibly alive is what kept me going without looking back! I absolutely adore these times with my little siblings. When they are with me, and I know they are ok, when they look, feel and seem present, happy and alive to some degree... We also had one of the best family nights that I can remember a few weeks ago. We just played uno, laughed and kissed each other a lot, because we made up a rule that when you put down the same card number, and color you have to kiss each other. We also watched the movie Joseph! Something Joan and JJ wanted to watch, over renting G.I. Joe! amazing! then we even got to talk about the bible and Abba more after! those times mean the world to me! completely!
I don't really know what else to write but that I am experiencing a lot of loneliness tonight. Thinking about things I try not to think about. Disappointments that randomly come up and eat at me. I am weary of myself, and emptiness. Night time sometimes brings out funny things.
and now it is time for bed!
goodnight world. goodnight Abba

Door of Hope

The Door of Hope is located in the worst part of downtown Tel Aviv. Where the old central bus station use to be located. In that area are more then 200 brothels. The first time I walked through this part of town I had no idea where I was, but the atmosphere made me pull my coat in a little tighter and walk a little faster, as I was walking alone.
Later I found out about Dave, Ohad, and Faith work in the center of this neighborhood . A small team volunteering in a bomb shelter, providing warm meals, a shower, clothing and a bed to the prostitutes on the streets working to support their addictions. So these three provide a safe place for these girls to feel humane again, cared for and loved, and pray hard for opportunities to get these girls out of this life style.
I heard several times, from many different people that these girls are at the bottom of the bottom of the pit of destruction. It took some time to understand what they really meant.
My first night of walking through the area with a group of people I saw two young guys walk out of a brothel. They looked at us, lowered their heads and walked away quickly. It was like a jolt to the core of me, as I tried understanding how common this is, and the condition of girls inside that building, and those young guys that just walked past me.
I stayed with Faith for the week I spent in Tel Aviv. Since I didn't speak the language I didn't feel of much use, so I found myself just checking things out in order to learn how to pray. And listening a lot. Because working with broken and abused women is one of the first things that drew me to coming to Israel. There is more to it then that but that is the only way I know how to say it at this point.
Two sundays ago, so February 22nd Calvary Chapel had a women's conference. Several of the girls and women from the streets came. I was sitting in the middle of the sanctuary when I felt like I needed to be in the back praying. So when I went in the back I saw a row of four of the street women and began praying for them all that was on my heart. The next thing I knew I heard Abba point out one of the girls to me, and He told me "I am calling her out of lifestyle. She is stronger then the others, and I am calling her out and will use her get her friends out when she is ready"
I wasn't really sure what to due with that. But I felt like I was to tell her. When she stepped outside for a smoke, I followed her. I told her, but I am not positive she completely understood. As her English is good, but there are some gaps. Either way, we began talking and her name was Sarah too, so we connected on that and other things as well. By the way for those that don't know I have been going by Sarah on this trip, hence why I include my middle name on updates. Anyways, we had a lovely rest of the evening together. Two days later Sarah showed up at the church for the clothes distribution, saying she wanted off the streets. I came by at the end of the event, and was able to go with the small group that took her to a refuge home up North. The ride was heart breaking as it walk like I felt her heart breaking and racing as she was leaving a life style she's known for who knows how long, and stepping into total unknowns. Thankfully I will be able to call her once in awhile to see how she is doing. Many of us are praying hard that Abba's strength and grace will carrie her through withdrawls, and rebuild her life and soul from the foundation of her being.
I don't know what will come of all of this, but I know I am not leaving the same person. I long for the day I will be back in this land...